I'm often asked if I always wanted to be an author. I didn't really ever think about becoming one. But I always wrote in a journal. I wrote thoughts, prayers, poems...boring stuff about my life. When I began my fiction journey, I didn't feel I had the time to journal anymore, and those little books fell by the wayside. This fall, when a friend read my early draft of a novel I'd just finished writing, she said something that struck me as true.
She said something like: You know, you're journaling with your fiction.
And it's true. Journaling is a practice that explores thoughts and feelings surrounding the events of your life. It's used for stress relief, therapy, exploration of heavy topics, and even brainstorming. I often spent time talking to God in my journal.
So, yes, I think I do that now with fiction instead. I think one of my greatest fears has been to lose a child, and maybe that made its way into this story.
Here's the reader letter I wrote for the novella Falling for Grace.
This story deals with the incredibly painful grief of losing a child. I know I'm not able to adequately deliver the message of what horror that must be, having never lost a baby whom I had held in my arms. I did lose one through miscarriage, which was an extremely sad time for me--that deep ache of loss and disappointment. In my grief, I often felt isolated, since my husband and I were the only ones who had known this child--other than God. During that experience, I often mourned silently at the sight of fully pregnant women and infants born around when mine would've been, or reaching those sweet milestones. Not that I didn't want others to be joyful and have healthy children, but I wondered what my child would've been like, and those what-ifs ospun through my heart. What if I'd done something differently? Had I lifted something too heavy, worked too hard weeding the flower bed? Was it my fault? I experienced the fear and worry of trying to have another child. Knowing in my heart, even if I did, another child was not a replacement for the baby I'd lost.
Losing a child goes against the natural order of things, breaking pieces of parents' hearts that can't be mended back to the way they were before. But I believe our God can take our sorrows and our tears, capture them, and form those crumbled shards in a new way, though painful, into something precious. We also need each other, friends. Grief support can be another way to climb out of that hollow, broken place. I pray for each of you who might be grieving and want to offer those dashed hopes the promise of the One who binds up the brokenhearted.
The eBook version of Falling for Grace is free on Amazon for five days if you'd like to read it. Amazon link.
Do you journal? If so, what do you like about the process? Can I pray for you today?
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Under the Southern Sun
Janet W. Ferguson