When My Mother Told Me She Liked Me~ Alzheimer’s

5/18/2017

Alzheimer's is a disease that ravages the patient, but it also takes a huge toll on the family. Occasionally, I've heard people say they don't visit a loved one who has Alzheimer's because their family member no longer recognizes them, and it's too painful to see their mother-father-grandparent-aunt like that.

My beautiful mother suffered from this incurable illness.

During the last few months of her life, we often weren’t sure whether she recognized us, or whether she even realized we were visiting her. But we came anyway.

One evening, I was about to leave after having been there several hours, and she looked up and said, as clear as ever, “Oh, Janet, you came.” Suddenly, some hidden place in her devastated mind had connected, and she knew me. She knew I was there.

Another afternoon, only a couple of weeks before her death, a group of our family brought a cake for her and my father’s birthdays. My father loved old hymns, so we sang a few songs there in the nursing home. We come from an acapella tradition, and we easily fell into four-part harmony. Mother perked up and quietly asked if the church was having a singing service. She'd connected with the familiar music.

And one of the last days that I was privileged to spend with her, she was barely eating, according to the nurses. I sat beside her most of the afternoon and rolled her crumpled body to the dining room for supper. Gently, I rubbed her arms and back. I spoon-fed her Jell-O and soft foods from her plate. She ate the small bites that I offered, and declared, “This is delicious.” Once she finished, she struggled to lift her head with those weakened muscles for just a second and spoke. Her words etched into my heart.

A simple phrase. “I like you.”

In that moment, she no longer knew I was her daughter, her baby girl that she'd raised. She no longer knew me at all. But what she did know, and what mattered was, that I cared. I was kind to her. She wasn’t alone for a moment in her scary, disappearing world.

So though, she didn’t know me, my mother liked me. And that was more than enough.

28 Comments

Kay Garrett

5/19/2017 04:32:27 am

My Mom also died with Alzheimer's so I can so relate.

It is a horrible disease but I don't understand the logic of abandoning a loved one because it's convenient or because it's painful you. I,too, had those ever so brief snippets of time that you knew in your heart that you connected. It's at those times that you have to think to yourself "and if I wasn't here, I never would have seen or heard that".

The night before Mom died, as we were tucking her in for the night, Mom looked up at me and smiled and gently held my hand. I honestly think in some small way, she was saying goodbye to me because she died in her sleep just a few hours later.

It's my prayer that some day soon they will find a cause and cure for this dreaded disease.

Janet Ferguson

5/19/2017 06:40:17 am

Kay, I pray for a cure, too. What a precious memory you have because you were there. I do believe she was saying goodbye to you. Thank you for sharing.
Hugs and blessings

Nancy Clark

5/24/2017 12:22:38 pm

My mom had this horrible disease. With my brother and sister living very close I am thankful she was able to stay alone with lots of limits until the last six months of her life. She had to have surgery on some skin cancer. We were not aware it would be more than one until after the first one. I literally stayed with her 24/7. My sister would come on Friday after she got off work. On Sunday I was back. It was really hard but I would do it again. To have the roles changed to me being the "parent" of my mom was a hard pill to swallow but so thankful to be there for those few minutes every once in a while that she remembered something.

5/30/2017 09:00:30 pm

Oh Nancy. That sounds tough. She was very blessed to such loving children. It is so hard to reverse those roles.
Hugs

Kathy McKinsey link

5/19/2017 06:45:13 am

So precious. It gave me a chill. My mother just turned 80, and we went to visit her for Mother's Day. She's doing well, but I treasure these moments.

5/19/2017 07:15:09 am

Hi, Kathy
So happy you still have your mother. I wish her a happy birthday! you are wise to treasure her.
Blessings

Jackie Smith

5/19/2017 07:26:28 am

Oh how I can relate! My Mom died of this dreadful disease, too. How I pray for a cure. I am an "only", and she did not recognize me her last days. But God was so merciful to us, and I am so thankful the journey was as gentle as it was.

5/19/2017 10:19:28 am

I'm so sorry you went through this, too. You have a lovely spirit to find something to be thankful for. I also was thankful that she didn't linger on in that condition, at some point. Still hard.
Hugs and blessings

Jackie Layton

5/19/2017 07:54:03 am

Janet, what a beautiful post! You lived a perfect response to visiting a loved one with Alzheimer's even if she didn't recognize you. God tells us to love the widows and orphans. He doesn't tell us to love them as long as they recognize us. Your mother was blessed to have you for a daughter.

5/19/2017 10:26:40 am

I love the scripture you're referencing from James. Thank you for always being so encouraging.

Judy Seabrook

5/19/2017 12:35:12 pm

Thanks, Janet, for this sweet remembrance of your mother. She and your dad were special people. I miss them both.

Pat's mother, Inez, also died of Alzheimer's. One time when we were visiting her, it was on a Sunday afternoon, and Pat decided to read some scripture to her. After he was finished, he led a prayer and I'll never forget that she closed her eyes for the prayer and then opened them when he was through. We never know what Alzheimer's patients know or hear. That was a precious moment and one we will never forget.

5/19/2017 01:16:46 pm

Judy, That is so moving. We just don't know what they are picking up in the muddle of confusion. That is a touching and heartrending reminder.
Blessings

Winnie Thomas

5/19/2017 01:02:30 pm

You post is lovely, Janet. My grandmother and three of my father's sisters had Alzheimer's, so it runs in our family. My father didn't have it, although he had a little dementia due mostly to a fall a couple of years before he died. He got disoriented easily at the end. Alzheimer's is such a terrible disease. I'm praying for a cure. Hugs, sweet friend.

5/19/2017 01:19:05 pm

Oh Winnie, You've been there way too much. I pray for a cure. My father also had dementia, but it operated a bit differently. The brain is a curious and amazing creation. Looking forward to our new bodies in heaven, no more pain or tears.
Hugs,
Janet

Karla Patterson

5/19/2017 03:57:51 pm

Janet, what a loving and beautiful description of such a hard time! Your Mother was precious!

5/19/2017 04:24:03 pm

Thank you, Karla! You are so kind. She was precious :)

Sue

5/19/2017 10:06:01 pm

Hi Janet, reading your words brought a tear from my eyes. I'm currently walking this walk. My beautiful strong dad has dementia. Some visits I'm my grandmother, my aunt, my mother, my daughter, me and on occasion a pretty lady who's come to visit. I take a photo every visit to share with family who live away from us and can't visit. Recent visits he just sleeps all the time. He talks to the people in his head but not to us now. Today I'm sitting here as I write this, I don't know if he knows who I am but he's refusing to eat but told me he was hungry. The amazing staff said they had all tried to get him to eat. I spoon fed him about 3/4s of a bowl of custard with a mashed up donut. I thank Jesus daily for this challenging time it's the only way I can get through this journey. Thank you for sharing your journey.

5/20/2017 07:18:37 am

Sue, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is a tough journey, and heartbreaking, but know that when he has gone home, you can take comfort that your were with him. There is a tug of war in the heart, for sure, about losing a parent and not wanting them to continue in suffering. Hugs and prayers sent your way.

Terry Hunt

5/21/2017 08:55:06 am

Beautifully told. Losing love ones bit by bit is a sorrow filled process. Your life story of a mother daughter relationship being released because of a devastating disease is a bitter sweet story. Janent, you manage to take tragic events and give it grace. That is one of the ways you show your compassion and faith. It is lovely.

5/21/2017 08:51:36 pm

Thank you, Terry. It is a bittersweet memory. :)

Linda

5/22/2017 10:02:21 am

Our family lost our Dad to Alzheimers. We adored our Daddy, Tata as he adored us. I must say, we learned alot about how our family loved during this 12 years of loving and caring for our Dad as he became more and more incapable of caring for himself. I guess it's called a bittersweet long goodbye...the blessing for us now is to know how much we honored his request to please not put him in a home. It was so hard, however we had a great team that he himself selflessly coached over the years. The team loved him as he loved them. We have no regrets, plus we have lots of family memories of the funny not so funny times of learning to love Daddy through every stage of the disease. He loved us as we grew up...it was an honor to love him as he grew old. I love you and miss you Daddy. XOXO

5/22/2017 07:01:18 pm

So sorry about your father. I'm glad you have good memories and a good family. I like how you mentioned the funny and not so funny times. We did have to learn to laugh at some of the crazy things that happened.

DiAne Gates link

5/23/2017 08:09:28 am

My mom also died from Alzheimer's. But we do learn to treasure those moments, don't we, Janet?

5/23/2017 12:43:42 pm

Thank you for commenting, I love how you phrased that, DiAne. Yes, we have to learn to treasure what we have.

Patti Shene link

5/23/2017 08:45:44 am

Hi Janet. I have not dealt with a loved one with Alzheimer's directly, but a very dear cousin-in-law who lives several hundred miles from me, who I have not seen in several years, has it. Her daughter (my second cousin) shares and puts pictures of him on Facebook often, so I have an idea what she is dealing with.

It is heartbreaking to see his behavior now, because he was one of those "prince among men" type people. He still is, of course, but he seldom recognizes his family.

His family visited him on their forty something anniversary. They had a cake and all, and when they told him the cake was for their anniversary, he said, "Oh, you must have the wrong person. I've never been married." What a heartbreaking moment for my cousin and the kids!

5/23/2017 12:46:31 pm

That is hard, Patti. There were times when my mother claimed my father was a strange old man who followed her. It was difficult for him because he had short term memory loss from age-related dementia. A crazy situation for sure, but we all adjusted in some ways, even him.
Hugs and prayers for you and that family.

D Gail Begley

8/31/2017 02:17:26 pm

I took care of my mom for over 10 years. She had Alzheimer's. On a rare quiet afternoon (because usually she talked constantly) she looked over at me and said "will you miss me when I'm gone." I broke down that afternoon and wept. There was so much of her that I was already missing. But selfishly what devastated me even more was knowing that once she was gone there was no one on earth that would miss me.

8/31/2017 04:04:21 pm

Gail, That's so hard, I know. God holds us lovingly in the palm of His hand. Know that you are loved. No sparrow falls without His knowing. He knows the hairs on your head. True, no one loves us like our mother, but we have a loving Father who will never forget us.
Blessings and hugs and prayers,
Janet

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